Collection of funny sms and joke one-liners:
Braindetector activated, calibrating, now searching…… still searching….. get a good grip of your gsm…. still searching…. no brains found.
We will now upgrade your brain….. please wait…… Searching….. Searching….. Still searching…… Sorry, no brain found!!!
Im not under d affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep. Im not half as thunk as u drink. I fool so feelish and da drunker i stand here da longer i get!
Linux is like a wigwam, no windows, no gates and an apache inside…
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
When did I realize I am the God? Well, I was praying and suddenly I realized that I was talking to myself.
3 sperms were talking 1st: I’d like to be a doctor. 2nd:I prefer to be an artist. 3rd:I’m afraid this bastard masturbates and ruins our future!
If you think that sex is the best drugs in the world… let me be your dealer!!!
What is the meaning of FANTA? Fuck And Never Touch Again!
Wanna get high? fuck a duck and try to fly!!!
A guy walks up to a girl and says: Wanna play *Magic*? She says: What’s that? …..He says: We go to my place, have sex and than you dissappear…..
Love your neighbour, but don’t get caught ;)
The first day we met,I wanted you in my bed.Today I’ll know better,so I’ll write it in my letter.In my bed I’ve seen so many faces,so I’ll fuck you at different places!
Text messaging is like a blow-job of an amateur prostitute; short, sweet and always cheap!!!
Masturbation, don’t knock it, it’s sex with someone I love!…
Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
If you don’t like oral sex, than keep your mouth shut!!!
Roses are red … Pickles are green … I love your legs and whats in between!
Sex is a sensation caused by temptation,when a man puts his location in a womans destination,do U understand the explination or would U like a demonstration?
Don’t make love in the garden, love is blind, but the neighbours aren’t!
I really need a friend at the moment, everybodys really mad at me and I need a place to stay? …………Your best mate:- Osama Bin Laden.
Es gatera droshiibas noteikumus paarzinu kaa savus triis pirkstus!
This sms can only be readed by someone SEXY:… try again… again… maybe you are just not sexy?… one more time… hey don’t force it, ugly!!!
When I was a dog, and you were a flower, I walked over you and gave you a shower!!
Birdy birdy in the sky, left a poopie in my eye. Me don’t care, me don’t cry, me just happy that a cow can’t fly!!
“How many sheep have you got?” “I don’t know. Every time I count them I fall asleep.”
“Where’s your sister?” “In the house playing a piano duet. I finished first.”
“Dad, where are the Himalayas?” “Ask your mother. She puts everything away.” :)
Sexspiele, onanieren, Dreckspiele, masturbieren, blasen, flachlegen, Perle lecken, achtgeben, stecken, ficken, fauchen und danach ne Zigarette rauchen!
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish? A: She drowns it.
Q: What do Disney World & Viagra have in common? A: They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride!
How do you make a woman’s brain the size of a pea? Inflate it.
Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A: A battery has a positive side.
“I say, waiter, this soup tastes funny!” “So why don’t you laugh?”
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don’t have eyes.
HIM:”Why can’t I tell when you have an orgasm?” HER:”Because you’re never home when it happens!”
He: Shall we try a different position tonight? She: That’s a good idea! You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
Teacher:”You can’t sleep in class.” Girl:”No, but if you didn’t talk so loudly I could.”
There are only 3 kinds of people in the world, those who can count and those who cannot.
Professor:”Where was Joan of Arc burned?” Student:”All over her body.”
How did you find the steak, sir? I just moved the potato and there it was.
1 Zigarette verkürzt das Leben um 11 Minuten. 1x Bumsen verlängert das Leben um 15 Minuten. Bin Kettenraucher! Kannst du mir helfen?
Q: What’s the definition of Trust? A: Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Why does a mother kangaroo hate rain? Because the children have to play inside.
Coca Cola hat Aroma, bringt den Opa auf die Oma doch die Oma ist auf Zack, beißt den Opa in den Sack, Opa wird vor wut ganz rot, fickt die arme Oma tot.
How can you tell which end of the worm is its head? Tickle its middle and see which end smiles.
Hanniball der Hodenkönig bumste viel und kämpfte wenig, daher starb er nicht im Kampf sondern an ‘nem Peniskrampf.
I kill people for money,but you are my friend,i kill you for free
370HSSV 0773H can u crack the code? No! Ok,turn the phone upside down!
INVITATION:Saturday-Bombs party in World Trade Center,with DJ BinLaden.Featuring his No.1 hit “It wasn’t me”. Sponsored by American Airlines.
3 dzeruma pakapes:1)izvelk, pacura, pakrata; 2)izvelk, pakrata, aizmirst pacurat; 3)pacura, pakrata, aizmirst izvilkt!
5 differences between Turkish and E.T.: E.T. looked better, learned English, had his own bike, came alone and he wanted to go HOME!
Kas kopigs advokatam un spermai? Tikai vienam no miljona ir iespeja klut par cilvecigu butni.
I like your style … I like your class … but most of all I like your ass!
Sexs, drugs and rock&roll. Speed, weed and birth control, lifs a bitch& then u die, so fuck the world& let’s get high!
In this moment 6,3 million people are sleeping, 18,9 million people are eating, 2.2 million people are falling in Love, and only 1 asshole is reading this!
4 rooms of woman:1)face-showroom 2)boobs-play room 3)tummy-store room 4)vagina-men’s room.
Girls are like cellphones, they like to be held & talked to, but press the wrong button and you’re disconnected.
Guys are like buses…if you miss that one, another will be along soon.
Last night I lay in my bed looking @ the beautiful stars, the moon and the sky… Then I thought,where to fuck is my roof?!
Sex is like nokia-connecting people,like Nike-just do it,Like Pepsi-ask for more,like Samsung-everyone is invated,and like me-TO GOOD TO BE TRUE!
Roses are red, violets are blue, I was born beautiful, but what the hell happend to you?
You’ve got SEX APPEAL … u’ve got INTELLIGENCE … u’ve got CLASS … u got da FACE, u got da BODY … I got the wrong number … SORRY
Press Down Keep going Oh yesThats it FASTER HARDER Dont Stop YES YES YES Mmmm! That was TEXTUAL INTERCOURSE :)
A man is just like a toilet- he’s either free, taken, unavailable, engaged, out of order, takin the piss or just full of shit!
3 Advantages of having a £50 note tattooed on ure cock:1)U can watch your money grow 2)U can play with your money 3)Your girl can blow as much as she wants!!
Cik liela ir atskiriba starp “uh!” un “aah!”? Apmeram 14 centimetri!
This is a cock sucker detector: Please blow in the phone… scanning…. The test was positive 90% sperm breath… COCK SUCKER!!!
The fluffy clouds may kiss the sky, The rose may kiss the butterfly, The morning dew may kiss the grass, But u my friend can kiss my ass!
I’d fuck u sitting, I’d fuck u lying,if u were a bird – I’d fuck u flying,and when u r dead and long forgotten – I’ll dig u up and fuck u rotten!!!
ME no money, ME no care. ME go marry milionar. If he dies, ME no cry, ME go marry other guy!!
Roses are red Violets are blue! Love stinks and so do you!
This cat,is cat,a cat,good cat,way cat,to cat,keep cat,an cat,idiot cat,busy cat,for cat,20 cat,seconds cat!… Now read it without the word cat (:
Sex is like pizza. When its good, its VERY GOOD. When its bad, its still pretty good (:
Love is an sensation. Caused by an temptation when an men puts his dictation in an womens combination. Do u get this conversation or do u want an demostration?
How women think about sex:at 8 ignore it,Age 18 experience it,Age 28 look 4 it,Age 38 ask 4 it,Age 48 beg 4 it,Age 58 pay 4 it,Age 68 pray it,Age 78 4get it!
Roses are red. Violets are corny. When i think of you – Ohh baby I get horny!!!
SEX is the game, Love is a name, Forget the name, and PLAY the game!
Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm? A: Who cares?
What is everything a plumber needs to know about his job? Poop runs downhill and payday is on Friday.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: It cannot be done. It is a hardware problem.
“Waiter, there’s a dead fly in my soup.” “Yes, sir, it’s the heat that kills them.”
Teacher: “Can you tell me about the Dead Sea?” Johnny: “I didn’t even know it was ill.”
Why do birds fly south in winter? It’s too far to walk!
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer? A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Cau,esmu marsietis,kas dzivo tava telefona.Kad tu nospied podzinjas,tu kutini manas oljinjas,un no tava smaida redzu,ka tev tas patik!
There is Hot-sex, Fast-sex, Group-sex, Safe-sex, Leather-sex, Telephone-sex, and for people like you …NO SEX !
There are 4 animal species a woman needs in her life:Jaguar in her garage,mink in her closet,tiger in her bed!And ofcourse a donkey to pay her bills!!
Licking pussy is like playing with the mafia… One wrong move and you are in DEEP SHIT!!!!
A guy call into work and says:Boss I can´t come to work today,I’m sick.Boss asks: How sick are you?The guy says:I’m fucking my sister how sick is that?
When a apple is green it’s ready to pluck. When a girl is sixteen she’s ready to fuck!
Don’t be sad… don’t feel blue… Frankenstein was ugly too…
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Computers are machines to help you solve problems you wouldn’t have if you didn’t have a computer.
Reality is for people who can’t face science fiction.
How do frogs die ? They Ker-mit suicide.
I’m not as dumb as you look.
3 monkeys escaped from the zoo … one was caught watching tv … another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message!
I only have sex on days that begin with T:Thanksgiving,Tuesday,Thursday,Today,Tomorrow,Thaturday,Thunday….Every Thucking day!!!
What’s the diference between a blonde girl and a mosquito? If you slap a mosquito it stops sucking!!!
370HSSV 0773H. Can u crack the code? No? OK. Turn phone upside down!
Q: Why are blondes so easy to get into bed? A: Who cares?
Q: What will a blonde ask you if you tell her she’s pregnat? A: “Is it mine?”
Q: What do you call a woman who expects to have sex on the second date? A: Slow!
Teacher: “What happened to your homework?” Jerry: “I made it into a paper plane, and somebody hijacked it!”
Kad sievietei ir kritiskaas dienas, viirietim ir kritiskaas naktis.
Why are most blonde jokes one-liners? So men will understand them :)))
Q: Why are men and spray paint alike? A: One squeeze and they’re all over you.
Q: What’s a man’s idea of helping with the housework? A: Lifting his legs while you vacuum.
Sex ist die größte Lüge der Menschheit.Du denkst Du seist im 7. Himmel, dabei bist Du 2cm vom Arsch entfernt!
Wie nennt man das Kleinste Kino der Welt? “Vagina” es Passt nur Einer rein und Der muss Auch noch Stehen. Die Regel: Es Läuft nur Einmal im Monat ein Farbfilm!
Tinky-Winky der ist froh,fickt die Lala in den Po.Dipsy hat da nichts zu lachen,denn sie musses selber machen.Alle Kinder machen mit,Teletubbies sind der Hit.
Fuck is easy,fuck is funny,anybody fuck for money,if you think that fuck is funny,fuck yourself and safe the money!
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Angry teacher: “Why are you so late?” Lazy pupil: “Well, I saw the sign in the street that said “School ahead – go slow”!”
“Have you read the Bible?” “No I’m waiting for the film.”
In case of fire read this message……… I said in case of fire you fucking idiot!
Why do men prefer INTELLIGENT women? Opposites attract.
Der typische Deutsche: Blau machen, grün denken, rot wählen und schwarzarbeiten.
Sterben muss ich sowieso schneller gehts mit Marlboro :)
Q: What are the two words you don’t want to hear when you’re standing at a public urinal? A: “Nice dick.”